Parshas Devorim
By: Rabbi Price
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this Shiur Parshas Devorim
Rabbi Pliskin brings in “Love Your Neighbor,” from the Sifre as cited by Rashi that the Torah stresses [ Devorim 1:3,4] that Moshe rebuked the Jewish people only after he had smitten Sichon and Og.
Moishe felt that if he would rebuke them before they enter at least part of the land, they will say, “What does this man have against us? What good did he do for us? He has come only to vex us and to find a pretext since he doesn’t have the power to bring us in the land.”
Therefore Moishe waited until he had conquered Sichon and Og and then he rebuked the people.
Had the people felt that Moshe’s rebuke was insincere and that he had ulterior motives, his words would have been ineffective. A person will only accept rebuke if he feels that the rebuker has his best interests in mind.
We also see from here that timing is a major factor in rebuke. In many instances by waiting for an opportune time to deliver admonition a person will be more successful than he would have been had he admonished earlier.
Rabbi Zelig Pliskin in “Growth Through Torah,” brings out another important lesson about rebuke that we find in Parshas Balak.
The posuk says, “åéçø àó àì÷éí ëé äåìê äåà åéúéöá îìàê ä' áãøê ìùèï ìå,
And the Almighty was angry that [Bilaam] went and an angel of Hashem stood in the way for an adversary against him.”
Rabbi Pliskin brings Rashi who explains that the angel that stood in Bilaam’s way was an angel of mercy that wanted to prevent him from
transgressing so he should not be lost. In verse 31 we read that the angel had a drawn sword. Rav Zalman Sorotzkin, in his sefer “Oznayim Letorah,” commented on this that at times an angel of mercy who is trying to save a person will appear to him as an adversary who is out to harm him.
Rabbi Pliskin elaborates that when a person has many faults, he will often have friends and relatives who keep trying to influence him to improve. He is likely to view their nagging as extremely irritating and painful and will consider them as his enemies. But the truth is that they have his best interests in mind. He should not only not be angry at them but should even be appreciative and grateful that they are concerned about his welfare. When someone tries to have a positive influence on you, thank him for it.
Rabbi Zalman Sorotzkin also commented that from here we see that at times an angel of mercy has to be willing to take an aggressive stance in order to prevent someone from destroying himself and others.
Rabbi Pliskin points out further that true compassion is based on seeing the entire picture. For instance, a parent who allows his child to do whatever he wants just because he does not want his child ever to cry, might allow his child to do all kinds of things that are destructive both spiritually and to his physical well-being. When you really care about someone, you do not want him to harm himself and will be willing at times to be strict in order to protect him from his own ignorance or foolishness.
There is an interesting example of this in Megilas Eichah-Lamentations. In the verse in Eichah 4:10 it says “éãé ðùéí øçîðéåú áùìå éìãéäï... –Hands of compassionate women have boiled their own children…”
In the Artscroll Eichah he brings the Shelah HaKadosh that comments that this phrase, besides its literal translation, contains moralistic criticism of overly compassionate and over-indulgent mothers who, for example, let their children sleep late rather than go to synagogue or to school. With this ‘misplaced compassion’ they ‘roast’ and destroy their children’s souls.
In "Growth Through Torah," Parshs Kedoshim Rabbi Pliskin brings from the Michtav Maieliyahu, [vol.3 p.139] from Rabbi Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler, that words of rebuke should come from the depth of the heart, as the Sages tell us that only those words that come from the heart will enter the heart of he other person. Therefore, if your words of rebuke are not an expression of your inner feelings of care and concern for the welfare of the other person, they will not have a positive influence on the person you are speaking to.
But there is yet another aspect here. If your rebuke does not come from a sincere caring for the other person, then you have personal reasons for that rebuke and your motives are not entirely pure. If that is the case, you are guilty of slighting the honor of another person and of causing him pain with words for your personal pleasure and this is a very serious offense.
Rabbi Pliskin adds that before correcting someone you should ask yourself, "What are my true motives in trying to correct this person?" Can you honestly say that your sole motivation is that you are so concerned about his welfare that you feel a need to make certain he does only good and refrains from evil? To what degree do you want to rebuke him because you feel a sense of power in telling someone off? To what degree do you want honor from others? To what degree do you derive personal pleasure from making someone else feel uncomfortable? We do have a mitzvah to correct others, but here motivation is an essential ingredient. Build up your inner feelings of love for others. Then your motivation will be pure and you will be able to have a positive influence on others. Till here is from Rabbi Pliskin.
I always point out that we can definitely try to show our love and concern in our rebuke to some extent. In fact, we should learn to give compliments and positive reinforcement when people do things right. Then the people would see that we truly love them. The problem is that the only time we speak to people is to tell them that they’re wrong. This gives the impression that we are giving rebuke for the wrong reason.
I saw a letter about Rav Shneur Kotler,ztl that tells us how his father Rav Aharon,ztl would give rebuke. I would like to share it with you as it has a very important lesson to teach us.
Rebuke With Love
Dear Friends,
Rav Shneur Kotler was the son of Rav Aharon Kotler, and he shared the following comments about his father, the founder and first Rosh Yeshiva (Head) of the famous Lakewood Yeshiva:
"My father - may the memory of the righteous be a blessing - had to constantly arouse people; reprove people; make demands. Yet he never gave reproof or made demands without first expressing that person's virtue with love...Without making sure that the person knows his worth in his (the Rosh Yeshiva's) eyes so that his spirit doesn't fall; so that he doesn't lose his interest, vitality and creativity..."
A reference to the above idea in found in the following advice of King Solomon:
"Do not admonish the scoffer, lest he hate you; admonish the wise person, and he will love you." (Proverbs 9:8)
According to Rabbi Moshe Alshich, a noted biblical commentator, the above verse has the following deeper meaning:
There is a scoffer and a wise person within each of us. If you address the scoffer within the other person, he will resent your criticism and hate you; however, if you address the wise soul within him - his true essence - then he will love you for reminding him of his true and good nature.
This is universal advice which all people can follow by remembering that the friend one is rebuking is created in the Divine image (Genesis 5:1).
Be Well, and Shalom,
Yosef Ben Shlomo Hakohen (See below)
The above insights are cited in “The Legacy of Maran Rav Aharon Kotler” by Rabbi Yitzchok Dershowitz. This amazing and inspiring book is about the life and teachings of one of the great spiritual leaders of our people during the 20th century. The teachings and stories in this book can help us to become the spiritual children of this great sage. This book also helps us to appreciate the power of Torah study and how each of us can tap into this source of power. It is published by Feldheim: www.feldheim.com
May Hashem help us that there shouldn’t be a necessity to give rebuke, and if there is, then we should learn the proper way to give it.
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